i'm here again. choosing between my pride and the girl i love.
it'll always be you of course. no matter how many times the dust comes to meet my face.
always you
-theguyintheshadows-
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Dust off the hood.
I've been meaning to write again in this blog for quite some time but I never did seem to find the time and/or the topic to do so.
But once again,tonight, I find myself staring at this blank page. This blank page which waits for my heart to pour itself out.
But no more.
Emotions, when left unchecked, ruin you, give you reasons to go against what you should be doing. They warp the reality you find yourself in, giving you ways you think you can escape but which are nothing but false hopes. Too happy and you find yourself falling down. Too sad and you find yourself unable to get back up. Too angry and you find your judgement clouded and your mind poisoned. Too much of anything can harm you, one way or another.
And yet never did I want to restrain my emotions. They help you express who you are, help you deal with the stress of life. But sometimes I feel it's been too much. That I've left it unchecked for far too long.
I want to close the floodgates through which my emotions run through right now, keep them all bottled up and dispose of them when there's no one looking. The only thing stopping me? What I learned basically for the past week; that I will become a doctor full of compassion for those less fortunate and a doctor full of hope and spirit to help lead the way into a better future. I do this for the sake of others, that I might someday help them with a simple smile and a greeting, not for myself. I've too far gone down the road of fantasies and hopes, and I have paid the price. I cannot benefit from emotions anymore, hope for that is long gone. The best I can hope for is that my future patients might get a glimpse of what was once my former self: a genuinely happy and carefree person who wants nothing more than them getting better and staying that way.
Signing off,
-theguyintheshadows-
But once again,tonight, I find myself staring at this blank page. This blank page which waits for my heart to pour itself out.
But no more.
Emotions, when left unchecked, ruin you, give you reasons to go against what you should be doing. They warp the reality you find yourself in, giving you ways you think you can escape but which are nothing but false hopes. Too happy and you find yourself falling down. Too sad and you find yourself unable to get back up. Too angry and you find your judgement clouded and your mind poisoned. Too much of anything can harm you, one way or another.
And yet never did I want to restrain my emotions. They help you express who you are, help you deal with the stress of life. But sometimes I feel it's been too much. That I've left it unchecked for far too long.
I want to close the floodgates through which my emotions run through right now, keep them all bottled up and dispose of them when there's no one looking. The only thing stopping me? What I learned basically for the past week; that I will become a doctor full of compassion for those less fortunate and a doctor full of hope and spirit to help lead the way into a better future. I do this for the sake of others, that I might someday help them with a simple smile and a greeting, not for myself. I've too far gone down the road of fantasies and hopes, and I have paid the price. I cannot benefit from emotions anymore, hope for that is long gone. The best I can hope for is that my future patients might get a glimpse of what was once my former self: a genuinely happy and carefree person who wants nothing more than them getting better and staying that way.
Signing off,
-theguyintheshadows-
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Speed Bump...?
1:42 na, and I'm still up writing this. Whatever, mas masarap mag sulat talaga pag ganitong panahon. Lahat tulog, wala kang kausap kundi ang isip mo. At talagang mapapaisip ka nga sa mga nangyayari sa buhay mo.
Ano na nga ba meron?
Sometimes, life deals us a hand that we don't know how to win. Minsan naman parang binigyan ka ng apat na dos sa pusoy dos. Sobrang saya nun diba?
Tapos talo bigla.
Bakit ganun? What went wrong?
Wala e umasa ka masyado. You expected to win with that hand, and so you played it reckless. You went all in and let your pride and expectations get the best of you.
And so this brings me to my point. Everything fell into place just the way I wanted it to. Nakuha ko yung apat na dos. Saya sa pakiramdam. Every day that passed made me happier, and in turn made me more and more reckless. Apat na dos e, sino pa bang matatalo dun?
And that's when you hit the speed bumps that jerk you awake. The speed bumps that remind you that life isn't that easy, perfect little game you thought it was. The speed bumps that show you how careful you have to be, or everything you think you had will just go as easily as they came.
Pero side ko lang naman yun. Recently, I've been reminded that this isn't the perfect situation that I want to be in. That this is just the closest thing that's possible at the moment. But don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic about it. I love everything about it, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
But can't it be something more?
And I think we both know the answer to that question. And I truly respect your decision on that :)
Kasi kasalanan ko rin, namisinterpret ko yung situation. And medyo mahirap bumangon sa recklessness na yun. But trust me pag sinabi kong kahit ano gagawin ko para di mawala friendship natin :) sorry di ko masabi ng direktahan 'to. Ayoko lang na may masabi akong masasaktan ka, cause that's the last thing I want to do :)
Alam ko namang mababasa mo 'to. Ikaw pa. ;)
AT DAHIL SABI KO MAGPOPOST AKO PARA MAKABASA MGA ANAK KONG 2021:
Tandaan, ang lesson ng post na ito ay:
Di masamang umasa, pero piliin ang tamang panahon para umasa ;)
P.S. walang magcucut sainyo ha, papakainin ang class ng lunch ang mag cut ng walang legit reason. =))
Signing off,
-theguyintheshadows-
0221H
Ano na nga ba meron?
Sometimes, life deals us a hand that we don't know how to win. Minsan naman parang binigyan ka ng apat na dos sa pusoy dos. Sobrang saya nun diba?
Tapos talo bigla.
Bakit ganun? What went wrong?
Wala e umasa ka masyado. You expected to win with that hand, and so you played it reckless. You went all in and let your pride and expectations get the best of you.
And so this brings me to my point. Everything fell into place just the way I wanted it to. Nakuha ko yung apat na dos. Saya sa pakiramdam. Every day that passed made me happier, and in turn made me more and more reckless. Apat na dos e, sino pa bang matatalo dun?
And that's when you hit the speed bumps that jerk you awake. The speed bumps that remind you that life isn't that easy, perfect little game you thought it was. The speed bumps that show you how careful you have to be, or everything you think you had will just go as easily as they came.
Pero side ko lang naman yun. Recently, I've been reminded that this isn't the perfect situation that I want to be in. That this is just the closest thing that's possible at the moment. But don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic about it. I love everything about it, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
But can't it be something more?
And I think we both know the answer to that question. And I truly respect your decision on that :)
Kasi kasalanan ko rin, namisinterpret ko yung situation. And medyo mahirap bumangon sa recklessness na yun. But trust me pag sinabi kong kahit ano gagawin ko para di mawala friendship natin :) sorry di ko masabi ng direktahan 'to. Ayoko lang na may masabi akong masasaktan ka, cause that's the last thing I want to do :)
Alam ko namang mababasa mo 'to. Ikaw pa. ;)
AT DAHIL SABI KO MAGPOPOST AKO PARA MAKABASA MGA ANAK KONG 2021:
Tandaan, ang lesson ng post na ito ay:
Di masamang umasa, pero piliin ang tamang panahon para umasa ;)
P.S. walang magcucut sainyo ha, papakainin ang class ng lunch ang mag cut ng walang legit reason. =))
Signing off,
-theguyintheshadows-
0221H
Monday, July 28, 2014
Emotional Bombardment
I sat up on my bed at 3 am in the morning to write this. I don't know how else to let this be known, or unknown given the traffic this blog receives.
I just don't know if you'll ever take me seriously enough.
From the very first moment I say something serious about my feelings I receive nothing but disbelief. Why?
Fuck it.
I'm never the person people would consider to be serious about anything. It just makes me feel like a walking joke. WELL fuck you. Bunch of inconsiderate assholes. Granted, I know that it's in my personality to be someone jolly and happy. But what the fuck whenever I get serious people start asking if I'm alright. What the actual fuck? Do you really think of me as someone that can handle being serious? Do you think I'll never become serious enough to finish and be a success someday?
Well frankly I don't give a damn about what you think. But come on? DI BA PWEDENG MAGKAROON NG KAUNTING SERYOSO SA BUHAY?
Whatever, rant post naman 'to yaan mo na
Or maybe this is just me coping up with emotions that resulted from what amounts to, essentially, rejection. Never gonna be good enough for you, haha. Shit like that. Whatever. My confidence is just broken up pieces being held together by duct tape. Easy to cut through when you have a pair of scissors.
I'm used to picking them up anyway.
Signing off,
-theguyintheshadows-
0330H
I just don't know if you'll ever take me seriously enough.
From the very first moment I say something serious about my feelings I receive nothing but disbelief. Why?
Fuck it.
I'm never the person people would consider to be serious about anything. It just makes me feel like a walking joke. WELL fuck you. Bunch of inconsiderate assholes. Granted, I know that it's in my personality to be someone jolly and happy. But what the fuck whenever I get serious people start asking if I'm alright. What the actual fuck? Do you really think of me as someone that can handle being serious? Do you think I'll never become serious enough to finish and be a success someday?
Well frankly I don't give a damn about what you think. But come on? DI BA PWEDENG MAGKAROON NG KAUNTING SERYOSO SA BUHAY?
Whatever, rant post naman 'to yaan mo na
Or maybe this is just me coping up with emotions that resulted from what amounts to, essentially, rejection. Never gonna be good enough for you, haha. Shit like that. Whatever. My confidence is just broken up pieces being held together by duct tape. Easy to cut through when you have a pair of scissors.
I'm used to picking them up anyway.
Signing off,
-theguyintheshadows-
0330H
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Let's open it up: Raw, unedited, and emotionally inspired
Change.
They say it's the only constant thing in life.
So many times, I wish this was wrong. I wish I'll always have my family, friends, and comforts in life. But we all know that's realistically not possible. Relatives depart, friends leave you for all the reasons in the world, and you'll experience hardships that'll push you so low it becomes too tiring to get up over and over again. But, always, I try to find the light, the meaning, to push on, putting aside all the negative emotions and strive for something better. It doesn't always work out but I hold on to something that, I believe, should also be constant in life. Hope.
Of course, that's not the me people know. The person everybody thinks I am is someone who handles things with a bit of humor, just enough work ethic to put out a decent product, and just try to have fun with everything. Also, a flirt. Wow, that's a pretty awkward translation but... you get what I mean. Also, potato. Yeyuh potato. Point is, I was never someone people would take a first glance at and say "I wanna know more about him." and I still am in that position. And, well, sometimes it's just sad.
Over the time I last posted on this blog, a lot has happened. I've had my last prom, our memorable grad ball and graduation, gone through emotional roller coasters, started college, put a lot on the line for things I want to do, move on, move up, fall down, fall into, and go topsy turvy over everything. All of those events passing by, and so much is happening still. So, I decided to open up this blog again, just as something to look back on when all has been said and done. And for my opening post, who better to be the topic than the person who I've opened a lot of my life to. No names, she knows who she is :)
Two or so months ago, I didn't even know her. She was just one of those anonymous people that I passed by when I was in school. We just happened to meet under almost impossible circumstances. Just a bit of urging the other way, and I may not even be writing this post right now, but, once the pace was set and the sparks turned into flames, we're inseparable.
Most would think this would be the sign of a lasting romance. Maybe. Not now though, maybe not in a long time. Whatever. Most would also not appreciate what they would have given they're in my situation right now. That's their loss.
Everything just fell into place, like those moments where you just go on a clearing spree in Tetris. And now, we just keep clearing more and more of those lines of blocks. Some may say time is the enemy of friendships, because time will undoubtedly wither the bond between two people, but for us? We would both answer a resounding no, and I truly believe and hope, with every bit of my being, that that would be true forevermore. The last time I ever believed as strongly in something like this is a just a memory to me now, and possibly nothing remains of what once was. As we both say, however, "Past is past." No use opening up old wounds, I can take valuable lessons from the scars alone.
Once she was someone who knew me by the person I described in the fourth section of this post. She would doubt me, not sure of my motives or who I truly am, but what really set her apart was she gave me the chance and time, and because of that would eventually know me as the person in the third section of this post. Knowing that part of me because I told you about it means that I care a lot about you and the friendship we put together.
Yet she could have said no. She could have always turned her back. She could have always not returned my messages, my calls, say she was busy with stuff and I would've understood. I've had a fair share of those in my life to understand that when that happens, you just back out because it will never amount to anything. Even so, she didn't. She surprised me that every time I would text, chat, or call, she would always answer and she looked happy when answering it. I have always told her that she had the option to turn away at anytime, and yet, still she's here. And that loyalty, combined with her awesome (although sometimes shallow) sense of humor and quirkiness, beautiful smile (never without the physical attraction, eh?), capacity to understand and feel the smallest and most dire of problems, innocence (opposites attract! :>), and all-around personality that I strongly believe matches mine and is something I want in my life, is what made me believe that she is for real, that what we have is true and can weather anything life can throw at it and so, after a long time, I've been truly happy about life. Not the type of happiness that you can get hanging out with friends, playing games, getting high grades, or even doing your hobbies. It's the type of happiness you get doing something you love, and people who've reached that level of happiness knows how good the feeling is. And I'm just excited to see how much better the feeling gets.
She told me to write a post, something to put in this blog. Here you go :) I know you'll be one of the first to read this ;)
Signing off,
-theguyintheshadows-, 1:09 a.m.
They say it's the only constant thing in life.
So many times, I wish this was wrong. I wish I'll always have my family, friends, and comforts in life. But we all know that's realistically not possible. Relatives depart, friends leave you for all the reasons in the world, and you'll experience hardships that'll push you so low it becomes too tiring to get up over and over again. But, always, I try to find the light, the meaning, to push on, putting aside all the negative emotions and strive for something better. It doesn't always work out but I hold on to something that, I believe, should also be constant in life. Hope.
Of course, that's not the me people know. The person everybody thinks I am is someone who handles things with a bit of humor, just enough work ethic to put out a decent product, and just try to have fun with everything. Also, a flirt. Wow, that's a pretty awkward translation but... you get what I mean. Also, potato. Yeyuh potato. Point is, I was never someone people would take a first glance at and say "I wanna know more about him." and I still am in that position. And, well, sometimes it's just sad.
Over the time I last posted on this blog, a lot has happened. I've had my last prom, our memorable grad ball and graduation, gone through emotional roller coasters, started college, put a lot on the line for things I want to do, move on, move up, fall down, fall into, and go topsy turvy over everything. All of those events passing by, and so much is happening still. So, I decided to open up this blog again, just as something to look back on when all has been said and done. And for my opening post, who better to be the topic than the person who I've opened a lot of my life to. No names, she knows who she is :)
Two or so months ago, I didn't even know her. She was just one of those anonymous people that I passed by when I was in school. We just happened to meet under almost impossible circumstances. Just a bit of urging the other way, and I may not even be writing this post right now, but, once the pace was set and the sparks turned into flames, we're inseparable.
Most would think this would be the sign of a lasting romance. Maybe. Not now though, maybe not in a long time. Whatever. Most would also not appreciate what they would have given they're in my situation right now. That's their loss.
Everything just fell into place, like those moments where you just go on a clearing spree in Tetris. And now, we just keep clearing more and more of those lines of blocks. Some may say time is the enemy of friendships, because time will undoubtedly wither the bond between two people, but for us? We would both answer a resounding no, and I truly believe and hope, with every bit of my being, that that would be true forevermore. The last time I ever believed as strongly in something like this is a just a memory to me now, and possibly nothing remains of what once was. As we both say, however, "Past is past." No use opening up old wounds, I can take valuable lessons from the scars alone.
Once she was someone who knew me by the person I described in the fourth section of this post. She would doubt me, not sure of my motives or who I truly am, but what really set her apart was she gave me the chance and time, and because of that would eventually know me as the person in the third section of this post. Knowing that part of me because I told you about it means that I care a lot about you and the friendship we put together.
Yet she could have said no. She could have always turned her back. She could have always not returned my messages, my calls, say she was busy with stuff and I would've understood. I've had a fair share of those in my life to understand that when that happens, you just back out because it will never amount to anything. Even so, she didn't. She surprised me that every time I would text, chat, or call, she would always answer and she looked happy when answering it. I have always told her that she had the option to turn away at anytime, and yet, still she's here. And that loyalty, combined with her awesome (although sometimes shallow) sense of humor and quirkiness, beautiful smile (never without the physical attraction, eh?), capacity to understand and feel the smallest and most dire of problems, innocence (opposites attract! :>), and all-around personality that I strongly believe matches mine and is something I want in my life, is what made me believe that she is for real, that what we have is true and can weather anything life can throw at it and so, after a long time, I've been truly happy about life. Not the type of happiness that you can get hanging out with friends, playing games, getting high grades, or even doing your hobbies. It's the type of happiness you get doing something you love, and people who've reached that level of happiness knows how good the feeling is. And I'm just excited to see how much better the feeling gets.
She told me to write a post, something to put in this blog. Here you go :) I know you'll be one of the first to read this ;)
Signing off,
-theguyintheshadows-, 1:09 a.m.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Highs, Lows, and Lasting Love
Wow today was one of the biggest emotional roller coasters I've ridden ever. Early morning had me feeling that I was on the top of the world, with the rest of the day just me riding the avalanche down the mountain. Sigh. But, hey, at least I realized what lasting love really is. I think? :D
Why the hell am I even thinking of lasting love. Oh, right, theme for our Mediscene performance. At first I questioned it. Is there really lasting love? Why are there break-ups and divorces then? Only during the early hours of the morning did I realize that lasting love does exist. I won't mention Jesus because I wanna use an example applicable to all. Who then do I wanna use as an example? All those still hoping for the love of their life to come to them, but are happy that they are too. I'd say I'm close to it. Nah scratch that I am it. I just hope she's happy where she is now :) he's a good guy anyways. I'd even grudgingly say they look good together. Ahwell. Sabi nga nila, di naman masamang umasa. :) Maybe someday. When all is said and done. Or whatever. For now, carpe diem. Seize the day!
Merry Christmas to everyone :) at ang mga SMP dyan hoy! Don't be sad. There's more to life than having a special girl/guy during Christmas :) at sa mga meron! Ingatan :) and be happy!
Signing off,
-theguyintheshadows
Why the hell am I even thinking of lasting love. Oh, right, theme for our Mediscene performance. At first I questioned it. Is there really lasting love? Why are there break-ups and divorces then? Only during the early hours of the morning did I realize that lasting love does exist. I won't mention Jesus because I wanna use an example applicable to all. Who then do I wanna use as an example? All those still hoping for the love of their life to come to them, but are happy that they are too. I'd say I'm close to it. Nah scratch that I am it. I just hope she's happy where she is now :) he's a good guy anyways. I'd even grudgingly say they look good together. Ahwell. Sabi nga nila, di naman masamang umasa. :) Maybe someday. When all is said and done. Or whatever. For now, carpe diem. Seize the day!
Merry Christmas to everyone :) at ang mga SMP dyan hoy! Don't be sad. There's more to life than having a special girl/guy during Christmas :) at sa mga meron! Ingatan :) and be happy!
Signing off,
-theguyintheshadows
Thursday, December 19, 2013
A Little Girl and A Kitten
Weird title for a post. But I named it that cause of one thing I saw a while ago. Anyway. First legit Christmas break day :D after days of full schedules. Another full sched tomorrow, but hey, better than rotting here at home playing all day o_o My brother's friends came over for some game time with him and I think he had fun. Also, my cousin from Canada brought his games and I'm happy to say he had fun too :) him not having any brothers to play with there in Canada makes it all the more awesome to see him having fun and being part of the boys :> I also cooked (read: microwaved) food for them, cause I felt guilty after eating so much canned goods o_O oh well growing boy's gotta eat.
I also went out to get my gift for my brother and to go to confession. Turns out there was no schedule today but it still felt good to just sit and take in the solemn church. Also, when I got my brother's gift, I bought them bibingka which is something I think we all enjoyed, especially my cousin who rarely gets to taste such treats.
So, overall, today was a pretty fun day :)
Now, the title of the post. While I was waiting for confession, I heard a soft meow to my left and found a little kitten looking at me. I smiled, cause I rarely see something so innocent. I then spotted a little girl talking to her mom who has going to lead the Rosary there. Something then sparked in my mind. The idea that the kitten was somehow the animal spirit of the girl. I just felt, in my mind, that the two had something between them. The little kitten then walked towards the front, where the girl spotted and petted him/her. And I smiled, because I remembered the innocence of childhood and youth in these two souls. They may not really be part of each other, but they served as a reminder to me, amidst all this chaos, that innocent souls exist, and that is what we strive to protect in this world. What I will strive to protect and care for in this world, as a doctor and as a person.
"When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind" - Patrick Rothfuss
Signing off,
-theguyintheshadows-
P.S. Good thing I didn't go to Sirak today. I sense the pattern forming. And I don't even like talking about it. More on it some other time maybe. When it can't be held back anymore.
I also went out to get my gift for my brother and to go to confession. Turns out there was no schedule today but it still felt good to just sit and take in the solemn church. Also, when I got my brother's gift, I bought them bibingka which is something I think we all enjoyed, especially my cousin who rarely gets to taste such treats.
So, overall, today was a pretty fun day :)
Now, the title of the post. While I was waiting for confession, I heard a soft meow to my left and found a little kitten looking at me. I smiled, cause I rarely see something so innocent. I then spotted a little girl talking to her mom who has going to lead the Rosary there. Something then sparked in my mind. The idea that the kitten was somehow the animal spirit of the girl. I just felt, in my mind, that the two had something between them. The little kitten then walked towards the front, where the girl spotted and petted him/her. And I smiled, because I remembered the innocence of childhood and youth in these two souls. They may not really be part of each other, but they served as a reminder to me, amidst all this chaos, that innocent souls exist, and that is what we strive to protect in this world. What I will strive to protect and care for in this world, as a doctor and as a person.
"When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind" - Patrick Rothfuss
Signing off,
-theguyintheshadows-
P.S. Good thing I didn't go to Sirak today. I sense the pattern forming. And I don't even like talking about it. More on it some other time maybe. When it can't be held back anymore.
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